My mom, the most ridiculous woman alive, is always the first to jump on the latest nutritional bandwagon. Someone at work will casually mention the Atkins diet, and she’ll rush-order 3 new books detailing the diet from Amazon. She developed a “gluten allergy” overnight after reading an article about celiac disease. She then spent several years reading up on the UltraMetabolism Diet — not actually following it, but trying to convince everyone she knew that America needs to be freed from their gluten addictions. Yes, addiction is the word she used. This is a woman that will drop hundreds of dollars on vitamins and supplements, but won’t spend five minutes on the treadmill.
Naturally, with her history of histrionics, I just rolled my eyes when she announced to the family last weekend her elaborate plans to go green… and by green I mean completely, 100% vegan. Yeah right. But then came the endless amazon.com shipments, the DVDs recommending that you “change your diet, change your life,” and bookmarked webpages on The China Study. And then she spent an evening at Whole Foods, and several hundred dollars on all-vegan options. Apparently, she was serious.
The word “vegan” brings to mind a malnourished-looking hippie, with tattoos from The Land Before Time and dreadlocks that smell like cat poop. Or at least the Toms-wearing, unibrow-sporting girl that sits down next to you at the bar and asks you how it feels to eat God’s children. Why do they all seem so pretentious? Anyone who knows me has probably seen me cry during a PETA or ASPCA commercial, tear up at the animal shelter, and custom-order ridiculously overpriced dog sweaters for Harry through high-end pet boutiques. I love animals… but I might love food more. I fiend for sashimi, greasy Elevation Burgers, spicy chicken quesadillas, and italian sausage on my pizza. I think it should be illegal to use egg substitutes when you bake, and that cheese tastes amazing regardless of what you put it on.
I explained to her how hard it was going to be to make the transition. That vegan means no meat, cheese, eggs, etc. That microwavable popcorn has dairy in it. I even tried to shame her into giving up on the idea but try as I might, the woman couldn’t be swayed. Her explanation? “Dairy causes cancer.” …Speechless. I decided to try a new strategy: aggressive compliance. If she wants to try a vegan diet, I will be the VEGAN NAZI. Alles ist verboten! I will eat strictly vegan food for the next 30 days — I mean hey, I’ve heard the benefits: weight loss, amazing skin, increased energy… and if I can be convinced that I’ll feel better as a vegan, then absolutely anyone can.
Today marks my first 24 hours on the diet, and it’s no joke. The highlight of my day was eating a meatless spicy chicken patty with imitation pepper jack cheese on it (made from rice), and pretending that I was eating a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s. I almost believed it.
don't be petty 