My mom, the most ridiculous woman alive, is always the first to jump on the latest nutritional bandwagon. Someone at work will casually mention the Atkins diet, and she’ll rush-order 3 new books detailing the diet from Amazon. She developed a “gluten allergy” overnight after reading an article about celiac disease. She then spent several years reading up on the UltraMetabolism Diet — not actually following it, but trying to convince everyone she knew that America needs to be freed from their gluten addictions. Yes, addiction is the word she used. This is a woman that will drop hundreds of dollars on vitamins and supplements, but won’t spend five minutes on the treadmill.

Naturally, with her history of histrionics, I just rolled my eyes when she announced to the family last weekend her elaborate plans to go green… and by green I mean completely, 100% vegan. Yeah right. But then came the endless shipments, the DVDs recommending that you “change your diet, change your life,” and bookmarked webpages on The China Study. And then she spent an evening at Whole Foods, and several hundred dollars on all-vegan options. Apparently, she was serious.

The word “vegan” brings to mind a malnourished-looking hippie, with tattoos from The Land Before Time and dreadlocks that smell like cat poop. Or at least the Toms-wearing, unibrow-sporting girl that sits down next to you at the bar and asks you how it feels to eat God’s children. Why do they all seem so pretentious? Anyone who knows me has probably seen me cry during a PETA or ASPCA commercial, tear up at the animal shelter, and custom-order ridiculously overpriced dog sweaters for Harry through high-end pet boutiques. I love animals… but I might love food more. I fiend for sashimi, greasy Elevation Burgers, spicy chicken quesadillas, and italian sausage on my pizza. I think it should be illegal to use egg substitutes when you bake, and that cheese tastes amazing regardless of what you put it on.

I explained to her how hard it was going to be to make the transition. That vegan means no meat, cheese, eggs, etc. That microwavable popcorn has dairy in it. I even tried to shame her into giving up on the idea but try as I might, the woman couldn’t be swayed. Her explanation? “Dairy causes cancer.” …Speechless. I decided to try a new strategy: aggressive compliance. If she wants to try a vegan diet, I will be the VEGAN NAZI. Alles ist verboten! I will eat strictly vegan food for the next 30 days — I mean hey, I’ve heard the benefits: weight loss, amazing skin, increased energy… and if I can be convinced that I’ll feel better as a vegan, then absolutely anyone can.

Today marks my first 24 hours on the diet, and it’s no joke. The highlight of my day was eating a  meatless spicy chicken patty with imitation pepper jack cheese on it (made from rice), and pretending that I was eating a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s. I almost believed it.



Since moving back home and signing up for 3 summer classes, I cut my hours way back at work to give myself plenty of time for schoolwork… but in all honesty, that’s not how it’s been playing out. I’ve been hanging out with friends and taking lots of naps with Harry… and when I think of it, cracking the occasional textbook. I’m in a serious summer funk, and can’t find any motivation whatsoever. I need to get some work done, but I can think of a million things that are much more appealing: mimosas, new iPhone apps, watching black and white movies in bed, brushing Harry’s teeth. I have 6 weeks to get my shit together, and 45 days of Adderall left. Why can’t I be a Type A personality?!?

I’m pretty sure I’ve been going through some serious symptoms of withdrawal since Season 3 of Jersey Shore ended: depression, cravings, night sweats, and the shakes, to name a few. Thursday nights just aren’t the same without it, and I’m literally on the edge of my seat waiting for Season 4 to kick off.

This season, the blown-out cast is leaving their beach house in Seaside for some new digs in Florence, Italy, and according to Snooki’s twitter account, filming is well underway. As it turns out, the mayor of Florence, Matteo Renzi, has laid out some pretty strict guidelines for the cast and crew, including:

— The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.

— The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.

— The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.

— The cast will not be permitted to film inside or in front of any historic buildings.

Personally, I don’t know how MTV is going to pull this one off. After all, what’s Jersey Shore without bar fights and public intoxication? Despite the new rules, a few of the guidos and guidettes have already managed to cause a scene.

1. True to form, Deena’s been keeping it just as classy across the pond as she’s been known to do on American soil.

2. It appears our prayers remain unanswered, because Ron and Sammi are back together.

3. Ron and the Situation have already gone a couple rounds.

The Season 4 premiere is still set to air “late 2011,” but honestly, it can’t come fast enough. I can’t wait to spray tan, backcomb a giant pouf, and kick back to my greasy orange famewhores, racing to destroy themselves and each other… Mama’s gonna get lit and watch the fireworks.

the rapture

Posted: May 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

“all you’re ever gonna have to count on, or gonna want to lean on,

it’s gonna feel just like those raindrops do… when they’re falling down, honey, all over you”

 –janis joplin :: little girl blue

spring fling

T by Alexander Wang silk tank
$140 –

River Island yellow blazer
35 GBP –

Abercrombie & Fitch vintage jeans
$98 –

Lanvin flat shoes
$495 –

Balenciaga lambskin handbag
$2,350 –

Hair accessory
104 GBP –

Gucci shade
$495 – 

A few years ago, I used to be the biggest diva. I’d obsess over visible roots and chipped nail polish, and I spent obscene amounts of money on clothes. I fought back against genetics, and went tanning nearly every day. I wore that perfect size 4, and wouldn’t leave the house without a full face of make-up and pin-straight hair. I was cute, I was thin, I was IMMACULATE. Just as much as I had myself together, my entire life was in disarray. My grades were awful, my mom and I were at each other’s throats, and my relationships were Springer-esque, to say the very least. But damn, I looked good.

This past year and a half has been a serious lesson in humility. I’ve put in serious time at work, got back into school and have been kicking ass ever since, and have gotten back in my parent’s good graces. I have a boyfriend who I live with and love very very much, and we actually have a very drama-free relationship. I systematically weeded out all the toxic people in my life, and it’s been a welcomed change. But ever since I got my life in order, I pretty much let myself go. I don’t remember it being a gradual process, I feel like I just woke up one morning and I was a size 12 and I didn’t have a thing in my closet that would fit me anymore. I’d resigned myself to yoga pants and hoodies, and gotten used to having “work hair” (when your job requires you to have your hair tied back, and that becomes your ONLY hairstyle).

A few years ago, I had to give myself 2 hours to get ready in the mornings because my routine took so long. I also remember having my boyfriend at the time spend the night, and I’d wake up and shower in the middle of the night then sneak back into bed… so he wouldn’t ever see me with raccoon eyes and prickly legs. Now, it just makes me laugh. Waking up before work, it takes me 15 minutes to shower and be able to walk out the door. The wash-and-wear lifestyle is a lot less drama, and I don’t miss the anxiety of tearing through the house before a date with rollers in my hair and firming creme on my forehead… but I do miss the clothes a little.

I miss the excitement of coming up with the perfect combination of colors and textures, and the confidence of knowing that no one else was wearing my exact combination of brands and designers. Call me conceited, but that’s the main reason I’m so stoked about the weight I’ve finally been losing. Do I sound like a whiner when I say I miss being pretty? And girly? Well fine then, that’s your opinion.

(Oh, and thanks to Polyvore for allowing me to reminisce about all of the to-die-for combos that I could be wearing today, if I still had yesterday’s body.)

With the end of the semester closing in, I’ve been beyond stressed with the endless amounts of homework piling up on my desk… and days off are doing nothing to put a dent in the “past due” pile. I actually don’t think I’ve been this behind in school since freshman year of college, when I was purposely blowing off classes and trashing assignments. Yet somehow, I’m still holding on to my A in Juvenile Delinquency and B in Biology, leading me to believe that there may indeed be a higher power.

Even after cutting shifts and hours at the bar, I’m still working over 40 hours a week “part time.” Mike, Krista, and Scott are all gone, and I have to admit, I’m more than a little jealous of the freedom one gains with being unemployed. Scott seems to have fallen completely off the grid, Krista is taking an extended vacay in New York, and as for Mike… when he’s not burning through new paintings and logo designs, has been re-evaluating his options and looking at grad schools.

Our lease runs out at midnight on April 30th. The clock is ticking, and let me tell you, that motherfucker is LOUD. But as much as I hate moving trucks and heavy lifting, I hate curry-smelling hallways, no free parking spots, and bitchy leasing managers even worse, so we will not under any circumstances be resigning out lease. Therefore, as of May 1st, Mike and I will both be living with our respective parents once again.

Aside from all the stress and chaos, it is important to remember that there are amazing things in the works. After summer semester’s courseload, I will be sending off college applications by the dozen, and trying to decide where I will do my last year and a half of “real school” — my decision based primarily on which schools have the best Criminal Justice programs that can get me into law school.

Harry  is about to get his first dental cleaning with anesthesia, and a new set of fangs. Literally. Some of his baby teeth never fell out, and the result is perpetually having the breath of a dead goat. I can’t wait for my baby to be minty fresh!!

Moving back into my parent’s house, while not the coolest option on the table, may actually be a blessing in disguise. We’ve been getting along famously since Mike and I started dating, and it will definitely save me a lot of money otherwise allocated for rent, utilities, groceries, etc. I’ll have a full gym literally 10 steps away from my bedroom door, so hopefully I’ll have a little more motivation to get back in shape. Harry will be able to lay in the sunshine on the back porch again, which is one of his very favorite things to do… and seeing Harry happy always makes my day. If it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, then Mike and I will be able to work on our relationship and prioritize a little better. Plus, I’ll be able to cut my hours at work and have the much-needed “me” time that I swear I haven’t had in what feels like DECADES.

…In trying to keep a positive spin on everything, these are 5 things currently making me smile:

1. Mark Wahlberg in “The Fighter”

…like a fine wine, Marky Mark only gets better with time.

2. UglyDolls

I saw these for the first time in “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus,” and I fell in love. I actually hate stuffed animals, but these things are LEGIT.

3. Big Hair

It may just be the Southern girl in me talking, but I’m loving the big loose waves. Typically I’m not a fan of Miley, but my hair is about the same length and color as hers in this picture, so it gives me something to aim for.

4. Lyrical Tattoos

I grew up loving the Beatles, so obviously I’m digging the reference… but the placement is awesome too, because that’s exactly where I want my tattoo. Love, love, love (pun intended).

5. Gil Elvgren Pin-Up Girls

Honestly, who DOESN’T love a pin-up? As hot as the Victoria’s Secret Angels are, I’d take an Elvgren pin-up over them any day… they’re curvy, feminine, and classically hot.

March is only days away and I still feel that regardless of the calendar date, we’ll stay stuck in this endless winter forever. A very, very cold winter. Recently we’ve been getting little “spring teasers” — days that thaw out just enough to give me hope that warmer weather is on the way — only to overcompensate the very next day by freezing the wipers to my windshield, and forcing me to scrape the snow and ice off my car windows with my bare hands. After laying in bed for a few hours after work tonight, I finally gave up on trying to fall asleep. I’m used to sleeping next to a guy who takes up 3/4 of the bed, grinds his teeth, hogs the covers, and gets so hot in the middle of the night that it makes ME sweat… Ironically, now that he’s out of town and I have the bed all to myself, I can’t get comfortable. I need consistency, damn it.

Apparently there’s not much to do at 5 am, other than watch god-awful movies like Crazy/Beautiful and When in Rome or cruise Facebook… anyone who’s anything will know that the latter is the only real option. In the middle of Facebook-stalking a friend’s photo albums, I ran across some pictures from Harry’s birthday party last May. Just looking at them made me feel warmer, and gave me something to look forward to: sitting on the sun-scorched patio outside of Rockland’s, eating BBQ, and putting a dent in my Bourbon Club list. I was also reminded of, and inspired by, just how dapper Harry looks in a hat.

Ridiculous, I know, but what can I say? …He’s here, he’s queer, and he loves anything that sparkles. Sharing Harry’s penchant for epic hats, I really feel like I owe it to myself to inject some color into my wardrobe and wear something that’s not grey or black; more specifically, something that’s not a grey hoodie and black yoga pants.

I’m really feeling the oversized, slouchy beret look. Not only do they look great with tunic tops and leggings, which make up a serious portion of my current wardrobe, but they are one of the few kinds of hats capable of containing and controlling my ridiculous mass of very long, very crazy hair.

After scouring the web in search of one that wasn’t too big, too small, too plain, too frilly, etc. I’m very picky and, just like Goldilocks, want everything to be juuuuuust right. I eventually stumbled across a small online store called Cabo Designs; the hats I fell in love with are the perfect low price/high quality combination, and even better, are one of a kind.

Cabo Designs is actually an etsy shop*, owned and operated by a retired medical assistant who translates her love of watercolor painting into the colors, patterns, and styles she uses in her knitting. Cabo Designs has an endless list of buyers’ positive feedback, and the site indicates that they even accept returns if you aren’t completely satisfied with the product. (*For those of you unfamiliar with, etsy is an e-commerce website that primarily sells handmade and vintage items, that range from art and photography, to jewelry, clothing, furniture, etc. Think of it as Amazon meets your cool grandma’s attic.)

Below are just a few of the hats offered on the site, which I predict I will be wearing very, very soon… all smiles. Love, love, love.